Why I Spent Years Fighting My Body — and What Finally Helped Me Stop
“And I said to my body, softly, “I want to be your friend.” It took a long breath and replied, “I’ve been waiting my whole life for this.”
Nayyirah Waheed
Last year, while helping my father pack up his house, we stumbled upon a box of old 8mm film reels. I had them digitized, expecting nostalgia - but what I saw was a reflection of a girl I hadn’t seen in decades: a small girl full of energy, radiating joy, moving through the world with effortless confidence.
I found myself overwhelmed with tears for her.
There was something heartbreaking in witnessing that little girl - so free, so sure of herself, so alive - and realizing how far I had drifted from her. It made me pause and wonder:
When did all of that begin to change? When did my relationship with my body turn from connection → to criticism → to combat?
“When did connection become criticism? When did my body become something to fight?”
The Beginning: Growing Up in a Body I Didn’t Yet Understand
Looking back, I believe the fracture began around age eleven.
I was tall - already 5’10” by adolescence - and my body seemed to change overnight. I developed earlier than my peers and was suddenly labeled “big-boned”…“bigger than the other girls”… “the tall one.”
Growing up in the ’80s didn’t make it easier. Everywhere I looked, the message was loud and clear: beauty meant thin, blonde, tiny, delicate - everything I wasn’t.
By junior high, I was trapped in comparison. Braces, hormones, and a culture obsessed with supermodel perfection made me feel like my body was a problem to fix, not a home to live in. So I started dieting.
And I’ve been cycling through losing and gaining ever since - caught in a quiet, exhausting struggle to feel enough.
“My body became something to fix, not a home to live in.”
Emotional Eating, Binge Cycles, and the Belief That My Body Was the Enemy
By my 30s, I began to notice a heartbreaking pattern: whenever life became emotionally overwhelming, my body responded in kind. Confidence waned, and weight would creep up as a silent reflection of the pain I was carrying. Food became comfort because I hadn’t yet learned how to soothe myself in healthier ways.
A move to Texas during an unhealthy engagement resulted in a 70-pound weight gain - an outward reflection of the unhappiness I felt inside. When that relationship ended, I lost the weight, but the pattern remained.
Emotional turmoil led back to emotional eating. And eventually, to binge cycles - not dramatic or public, but quiet waves of coping when I felt small and broken inside.
People often say, “Just stop eating,” as if weight is merely a matter of willpower. If only they understood the depth of this silent struggle.
The work of changing a body begins with changing a narrative - and that is mental, emotional, spiritual work.
“The work of changing a body begins with changing a narrative.”
The Turning Point: A Mountain, a Mission, and a Mirror I Didn’t Expect
Everything shifted in 2022 when I signed up for a hiking endurance event: climbing the equivalent elevation of Mt. Everest in 36 hours.
I loved mountains. I loved hiking. And at that moment in life, I needed something bigger than myself to believe in.
Training was intense. I worked out more than I ever had. I ate less. I expected the scale to cooperate. When it didn’t, the old voice returned: You’re doing something wrong. Your body is the problem.
But the mirror told a different story - I looked stronger and healthier than I had in years.
Then came the moment that shook me: my father took a photo of me at the event.
When I saw it online, my heart sank. Is that what I really look like?
That image consumed me during the event. Instead of celebrating what my body could do, I compared myself to everyone else on the mountain.
But the mountain gave me something else. A quote I carried in my pocket and in my heart: “We are the stories we tell ourselves.”
That weekend, I decided to change the story.
“We are the stories we tell ourselves.”
Peeling Back Layers: Healing the Inside Instead of Punishing the Outside
The year that followed was deeply transformative. I journaled. I studied nutrition. I confronted patterns with curiosity instead of shame. I forgave. I strengthened my faith. I worked with a wellness coach who guided me toward sustainable change. And something remarkable happened.
As I healed emotionally, the binges softened. As I nourished instead of restricted, the weight shifted naturally. As I listened instead of punished, my body responded.
I began eating enough - honoring what my body actually needed instead of what I thought it deserved. I began respecting hunger cues. I began seeing food as fuel rather than refuge. I began appreciating my body not for how it looked, but for what it had carried me through.
“As I healed the inside, the outside began to change.”
Fixing My Body vs. Honoring My Body
Something clicked. I stopped trying to fix my body. I started listening to it.
It was the beginning of my shift from:
• self-criticism → self-connection
• restriction → nourishment
• fear → strength
• punishment → partnership
The more grace I offered myself, the more space I found to grow.
“I stopped trying to fix my body. I started listening to it.”
The Awakening
I realized I didn’t just want to change my life - I wanted to help others transform theirs.
People who have spent years dieting. Who have been told they weren’t enough. Who live in cycles of “start Monday” and “I can’t.” Who turns to food when life feels overwhelming?
Because I know that terrain. And I also know what it feels like to finally break free.
Transcend. Empower. Transform. These words weren’t created in a branding session. They emerged from lived experience - from a mountain where everything shifted.
It was there that the little girl from the 8mm film felt close again.
It was there that I felt a sense of home return.
It was there that Mountain Awakening was born
“Transcend. Empower. Transform. Not a brand — a lived experience.”
Closing Reflection
If you’ve ever fought with your body… judged it… punished it… or felt betrayed by it…
You are not broken. You are becoming. Your body is not your enemy. It is your resilience. Your teacher. Your partner.
And whenever you’re ready - I’m here to walk beside you.
“You are not broken. You are becoming.”
Mountain Mindset
Before you close this page, pause for a moment. Ask yourself:
When did connection become criticism for me?
What story have I been telling myself about my body?
If my body could speak, what would it say it needs?
Where might I offer myself one ounce more grace this week?
Transformation doesn’t begin with punishment. It begins with awareness. And awareness begins with honesty.
Let this be your first step back toward partnership.
Ready to stop fighting and start honoring your body?
If this reflection resonated with you, you don’t have to walk this journey alone.
